Get Bent: Get Jacked! 

What up??  Get Bent has made another change, only this time it is bigger than a piddily gas station!  A little company that goes by the name McDonalds has been impacted by the Get Bent Crew!!!  You may recall our visit to McDonalds, aka the “McCheef” incident.  Well, it appears as though McDonalds rephrased their idiotic way of justifying their output!  Now they say  “All ‘burgers’ are 100% beef” (not all “sandwiches”)   Our mothers will be so proud of us for making this happen!  We will happily accept all pats on the back as well as any monetary donations for this monumental achievement!!  But, also related to fast food, here’s the question on a lot of people’s minds:  What is Get Bent going to do about Jack in the Box going through drive thru’s to try to get breakfast all day?  The answer:  Say our prayers and hope that they can get the breakfast!!  We are behind them 100% because if they succeed where we failed that will mean breakfast for all!!  It will be the chain reaction that fast food eaters have waited for their whole lives!  Not only will BK serve their over-priced breakfast all day, but sooner or later McDonalds will have to start serving breakfast all day!!   How great will life be when we can get a McMuffin at noon??  We are gonna get so fat as a nation!! 

It would be petty if Get Bent acted like bitches and accused Jack in the Box of taking our idea and making a commercial out of it. (eventhough we did the whole “go to BK wearing a mask” thing back when McCain & Obama were still neck and neck- and, of course we didn’t get the presidential treatment that we deserved that day)     We even plugged them in episode 7.5  The REAL question is why the F’ is Jack in the Box airing commercials in the Chicagoland area when it is impossible to get it here?!!  Its like watching somebody chug an ice cold Gatorade while you’ve got a mouthful of sand!  Does Jack like to tap dance in front of people in wheel chairs?  I wouldn’t be surprised.  I’d love to eat an ULTIMATE CHEESEBURGER whenever I want it, but I’m not driving over 250 miles to scratch that itch!  I’ll just have to settle for a lesser burger.  THAT is the reason their commercials piss me off.    Put up a franchise or SOMETHING!!!    Jack in the Box’s food is too good to keep out of the more densely populated part of Illinois- What the hell are they doing??  On a side note:  I’m glad that somebody put a Get Bent bumper sticker on a Jack in the Box pole in Nashville last year (I’m an eye witness to the whole thing).   

PS the title does not mean that we got jacked- it means we’re telling everyone to get jacked! (the Jack in the Box way) 

GET BENT

Hello All                                   (click here) 

I am pleased to announce that I am now married and stuff.  Odd turn of events this past year has undergone.  Not sure why I said that like Yoda, but screw it; I did.  Anyway, what I am REALLY pleased to announce is that I am getting off my lazy can and staying active with this site!!  Being #1 at rule bending according to certain search engines, we feel compelled to keep our reputation going by adding a little twist for the new year.  I have made mention in the past about technical difficulties pertaining to putting up new episodes due to running out of the allotted “pages” on our site. Well, I will stay active by putting up a page of weekly loopholes!  “But John…” you ask “I thought you said you ‘can’t add anymore pages!’ ”  Well, let me get to that, Asshole!! I will be deleting the NEWS page and putting up WEEKLY LOOPHOLES.  This will allow the crew at Get Bent to flex our loophole-finding, rule-bending muscle without having to occupy so much cyber-space.  Much like DEEP THOUGHTS and NUCK CHORRIS FACTS, I won’t need to add a new page for every entry.  Not only that, I’ll be able to focus on doing the Get Bent Documentary without having to screw around with shooting and editing episodes!!  Plus you won’t need to spend the 10-minute episode length every time you just want to catch a few quick loopholes.  I am doing this for the loophole junkies in the world.   Just go to the weekly loophole page every week and it’ll only take 10 seconds, literally.  Unless you suck at reading (in which case you suck at life.  And if you CAN’T read then kiss my ass you illiterate Jag off!!!)  Sorry for the hostility.  If you ARE illiterate, what were you doing reading this?  Go listen to a freestyle track courtesy of Simon Juarez.  I should also mention that this page is going to be FUNNY!!!   That’s the plan, at least. I will have 7 days to polish and hone, if you will, every loophole so that it is in a perfectly deliverable form by the time I go to put it on the page.  52 solid, hilarious, and practical loopholes in 2010; can we do it??  You bet your sweet ass we can.  Will we?  I hope so.  We’re sure as shit gonna make it a goal.  Merry Christmas Everyone!!  For those of you who are not Christian; Merry Christmas anyway!!  There’s no reason your Christmas should be any less special. 

Stay Tuned 

WOZ

BEND OVER

Hey, World!!  I got some news.  Get Bent has completely run out of ideas!!  No more rules to bend, loopholes to exploit, signage to make fun of, etc.  I’m Joking, of course.  Anyone with half a brain knows that this country has a bottomless supply of stupidity for us to feed on-  scratch that; my local shopping mall alone has enough material to carry this show till we’re all pissing out of bags.  As I mentioned, I am putting together a Get Bent documentary.  Originally I was aiming for an August 18th deadline (2009) for the 2010 Sundance Film Festival.  Well, on my journey towards that deadline, my beautiful Project Manager/Fiancee’ (girlfriend at the time) and I went on a weekend getaway to shut ourselves in and hammer out some progress on this film- we got a ton of it done, but we got engaged that weekend as well.  Since then I have been juggling wedding planning (only a small portion of it), my day job (8 hours of mind numbing BS in a cubicle prison), and my mixed martial arts training (I will be testing for a level 1 or 2 in Muay Thai pretty soon).   I’m gonna be moving soon too, fuck!!!   I even stopped working on my music ever since starting this documentary in June.  With so much shit on my plate, I have loosened up the Get Bent docu-deadline by a whole year.  I easily have a majority of it done, but I did not want to sacrifice quality just to make a deadline.  I wanna win this thing!  I would’ve had to quit my day job and work on Get Bent all day for the last month to put the finishing touches on it.  Alas now I can breathe again.   I have a whole year to perfect this baby!!  On a side note; there has been some internal conflict w/ the show and I’m not sure what’s happening there.  That PLUS the site has hit a wall with the number of video pages that we can have on it.  All of this has made it impossible to post new episodes of Get Bent as well as more Get Bent outtakes.  I hope you like my music because I plan to be working on it a lot when I get my studio set up in November.   I apologize to all my religious Get Bent fans (all 12 of you- LOL) for my inability to deliver episode 8 and beyond at this time.   I am always exploring different avenus of rule bending, but for now I have to focus on the documentary and my music as my creative output(s).  I will try to stay pretty current on writing blogs to go here as well as adding Nuck Chorris facts and Deep Thoughts.

Stay Tuned

WOZ

First off:  Michael Jackson is dead!!  Holy Shit!!  The King of POP is now the King of DROP!  (Get it heart attack- drop dead of a heart attack)  “Booo”  Whatever-  it was a funny joke.  He was a millionaire who lived to be 50.  How many of us can claim that for ourselves?  Anyway, Let’s look at the bright side; he already got the first 20 years of decomposing out of the way. It’s true- back in the late 80’s Michael said “Screw waiting till I die to start decomposing.”  That was when he started injecting embalming fluid for his self preservation process… Is this thing on?  Seriously though, let’s take a moment of silence for the Lost soul who put out the album Thriller. {SILENCE}   I am not always distasteful like this when somebody dies, but Michael Jackson was a walking punch-line when he WAS walking- death is no escape from that.  Not in his case.  But I digress…

THIS IS WHAT I AM WRITING ABOUT:

Get Bent is going for SUNDANCE!!!!  You heard it!  I have put a halt on posting episodes, and I am currently compiling stuff for The Sundance Film Festival.  Katie, my girlfriend / Project Manager was instrumental in this decision.  One could even say that Sundance was her idea altogether.  So far I have a loose story line (keeping it under wraps for now), bits and pieces of the narration written, and a quazi- outline.  We even had the Manager of WEEN give us his/their blessing on using a song of theirs!!     We are going for  balls-out humor, but are also focusing a lot on intelligence and societal issues.  One in particular!  I am going to jam this thing so full of loopholes and contradictions that your head will spin!!  But not literally.   As Google’s number 1 Rule Bending Master, my goal is to make you laugh till you shit blood, or at least urinate.  Did that sound irrelevant?  I think it did.  Anyway, needless to say I will have my work cut out for the next few months.  I am guaranteeing AWESOME with this project!  What sucks so far though, is that my computer has been importing footage at a shitty amount of dropped-frames when last I tried.  I don’t think you need to be a post-production geek to understand that dropping 468 frames in a 17- second period is not a good thing!  (another reason why episode 8 isn’t up yet) I hope that problem gets resolved or Sundance may not happen.  All Good things!!  No negativity - Think Positive!!   This is gonna put Get Bent in a good place.   Since I, John Wozniak, am the solo writer/editor of this site there may not be an overwhelming amount of new stuff happening here.  I may post a few deep thoughts (and I’m always adding to the Nuck Chorris page), but between my music, MMA training (don’t laugh) and NOW this super huge number 1 priority project that has shoved everything else in my life including my job to the wayside, it will leave little time and energy for posting everything on my mind- which I never really did anyway.  How’s that for a run-on sentence?  Alright.  I love you all!!  Keep spreading the word!!

WOZ

(If you are looking at this show for any purpose other than just entertainment ($$$) please READ )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWuGQrw9mpE&hl

this is only a temporary residence for EPISODE 7.5

(And due to a technical fuck up you will need to click the link and get hyperwarped to youtube to see 7.5…SORRY)

 Get Bent would first like to point out that for some reason we took it upon ourselves to swear enough to offend a truck driver in this episode.  Sorry, Mom.  Happy Mother’s Day?  As if my mom is ever gonna see this page!!  Anyway, this one was shot a few weeks ago (April 26th to be exact), and it was so jammed with information that I had to sit on it for a while to even know which direction to go w/ the editing process.  That AND I was in another state for over a week so rushing this would have lead to garbage.  The footage for this video was packed dense with hilarity.  I hope I utilized it wisely.  It kind of came out making us look like total pricks- LOL.  It’s hard to not look like an ass hole when you’re trying to have it your way at Burger King!  I gotta still laugh at how you just CANNOT have it your way!  At all. I digress.  As you can see this episode is all over the place; we were in a car, ordering inside, having conversations with employees as well as cheeseburgers and we even successfully got them to squirt out a spongebob!!!  Not to mention there was another BK we shot stuff at that I didn’t even use cuz it would have spilled over the 10 minute mark!  That one sucked anyway.  It will be in round 2 of the outtakes.  My point is that…I don’t think I have a point.  Just watch.   PS the people at this location were nice, but I still DID NOT HAVE IT MY WAY!!!   

  

  

GET BENT “your way”

So you’ve seen the other installments of having it your way GET BENT style, (for those who have not- I’m referring to Episode 4.5 and Episode 5.Phive)   either way, get ready for the unleashing of Get Bent episode 7.5!!  Don’t worry, we didn’t forget about 7.Sixx (the Burger King rock-video).  Something came up and we had to change that video to Episode 8.Sixx.    I know I need to deliver on the rock video, since I’ve mentioned it more than a few times and keep pushing it back, but in the mean time this next one will be the guaranteed money shot!!    That is a promise.  A friend from work took a business trip to London, and took a picture of a hilarious sign in a Burger King.  I’m talking it’s the perfect sign for what we’re trying to do with BK.   It is almost like Burger King is taunting Get Bent with the sign that they have in this London location.   I won’t give it away because I like to incorporate the element of surprise in our videos.  We’re gonna fuck them so hard they’ll be pissing mustard by the time we’re done shooting this one!   Which leads me to the other part of this blog;

The EXCUSES

We have not shot it yet!!   We’ve only got a few chunks from the rock video shot.  We have nothing from episode 7.5 or 8 in the can yet.  Right now they are just 2 killer episodes in the planning stage.  I am the editor of the show.  Even when Kyle was the editor he only got around to working on stuff when I was supervising (his choice-  not mine).   So everything has always cut into my personal time, which sucked.  Speaking of personal time, Simon is a father of three with a wife that works full-time and is attending college.  Needless to say his life is a juggling act so getting together to shoot stuff is a thing where plans can get cancelled at the drop of a dime.  Also, we’ve both decided to get into Mixed Martial Arts training.  I have been getting the Holy Hell kicked out of me for a couple weeks now,  and I’m loving/hating every second of it.  Simon will be joining in at some point.  He’s got some street experience with some Military hand-to-hand training.  I suppose I also have some street experience with some wrestling experience from Jr High and part of HS.  Anyway, I’m gonna get my ass kicked for a few weeks (or months) before Simon starts up to get his.  Should be fun!!  I also spend time producing music for the 2 groups that I am in- And I work in a cubicle prison 40 hours a week.  Sometimes I just want to lay down…you know?  Watch a little TV.  But, seriously, the point of this whole whine session is to let you, the viewer, know that Get Bent will always be here for you.  New episodes (at zero cost) will sporadically pop up whenever we get time to shoot/edit.  That is to say we will be finding more dumb signs, funny loopholes and idiotic rules to exploit.  Right now we are focusing on marketing rather than production so this bitch can get picked up!  Once it does you’ll be seeing way more of us.  But until then, our free GET BENT labor is just one of the many things we have on our plate.  Keep spreading the word and posting this site on other sites and let’s make this thing POP once and for all.  But I’ll close by saying that the perfection that we will drop in the future (episodes 7.5 and 8 ) are going to be worth the wait…

Stay Tuned

WOZ  

Get Bent!

Get Bent?  The answer is probably not.  I’m not sure where I thought I was going with that one, or why I phrased “Get Bent” in the form of a question, but I do realize that I have not put up a video lately.  And with the exception of my last deep thought I have not added anything to this site in quite some time!!  We are working on marketing Get Bent.  It is a shitty process that takes the ability to sell (which I suck at).   Luckily Simon knows a marketing guy who is said to be developing a plan to make this shit POP!!  Hopefully they deliver!  Also, in musical news (if any Get Bent fans care) The not-so-anonymous Dead Wrong is a few songs underway on their debut album BETTER THAN SILENCE.  Sounding pretty good if do say so myself.  Check it www.myspace.com/deadwrong09  The much anticipated (not really) DEF SHEPPARD project  ”Stairway to Hell” is also in the works.  Def Sheppard is John and Simon of Get Bent.  We don’t have a myspace page yet.  We just got the ball rolling on that and we have no clear vision on what the album as a whole will sound like, but what little we do have so far sounds wicked-  so trust me that our album will be interesting … (I’ll probably throw a song snippet at the end of episode 8  ) 

EPISODE 8 has not been  shot yet.  It will be our funniest/craziest one yet.  That is a promise.  We will get that started in a few weeks.  Let us focus on marketing for now so that we can get paid to Get Bent!!   Then we can get back to bending rules and finding loopholes and retards.  I’ll keep you posted.

A Word to the Wise:

Just a little FYI to anyone with a particular interest in the show ($$$ Network Execs, producers etc).  We have not even scratched the surface of Get Bent’s potential.  I wish I could say that we have put our best foot forward so far, but the truth is that we have NOT!!  Some would even say that our show is getting sloppier- on the flipside a LOT of people agree that our videos are becoming funnier.  I agree with both arguments:  Get Bent is evolving and so to showcase our personalities and our abilities to stay fresh we have added things to our show, which to some seems like a deviation from our original concept.  It was a strategic decision which allows for more versatility with the show.  You’ll notice the early episodes (1,2, and 3) have little to no swearing.  We started acting more naturally in later episodes. There is no shortage of loophole ideas or stupid signage for us to use, trust me.  We can look at a stop sign and come up with 15 different ways to spin it.  We admit, we do have some downright hilarious moments, ( “worship 10:30am” “cross traffic does not stop” to name a few)  but as far as the confrontations  we can only produce what $0 can buy.  Meaning that with 1 shitty camera and zero  microphones,  stuff is not gonna be 100%, simply put.  Take our “Best Hand Jobs in town” bit- The shitty audio and single camera lead to what is in my eyes a total disappointment.  I had the dude’s COMPLETE consent to a $75 handjob in my car!!!  He had no idea!   An actual production team would have enabled us to totally capture the essence of that whole misunderstanding!   Instead it came out looking and sounding like total monkey shit…in our opinion.  Luckily the reviews/critics actually liked that one (or at least applauded our efforts)  Don’t confuse the point of this post;  I’m not complaining- I’m EX-plaining.  The reason we put out only a few minutes every month is because we do this for free.  We have no problem doing it, in fact we both enjoy it a lot!  However, both Simon and I have numerous other obligations and 9 to 5 jobs.  Not to mention there’s like 35 miles of highway between our houses.  As much as we would love to crank out 100% quality and bust  out over 30 minutes a week, time just does not allow for it at this point.   We don’t have the freedom or the monetary backing to test the policies that we would REALLY like to exploit.  If Get Bent was our 9-5 the world would be a funnier place…

Revenge of the Slogan Twisters

Hello, and this is what’s new:  Episode 7 will be up this week, I’m hoping by Friday.  If you thought episode 6 was pointless- CONGRATULATIONS that’s why we nicknamed it “The Pointless One.”  Episode 7 is the sister episode of 6, but it isn’t as pointless.  Nothing brings us more pleasure than twisting slogans and using them against various establishments, and pointing out how stupid certain store names are.  For Instance “Tuesday Morning”  Do they even have any specials on Tuesdays??  What about Tuesday Evening??  How do those people take their jobs seriously every other day of the week?   Anyway, in Episode 7 we got some good stuff happening.  I think I’m pushing off episode 7.Sixx (Burger King Rock Video) back to 8.Sixx.  That can only mean that The Get Bent Crew can’t wait to unleash EPISODE 8.  Oh, Man…I don’t like to hype things and make promises, but 7 will be good and 8 will be Frickin’ Hysterical!!!!  Those 2 plus the music video, as well as batch 2 of outtakes is on the horizon.  Just a little heads up of what lies in the future of bending rules and finding loopholes. 

PS if anyone can succeed in getting breakfast in the afternoon at BK send us your picture eating a breakfast sandwich next to a clock in a BK and we’ll bow down to you and put you up on our page. 

(AND DON’T LIE ABOUT IT…we know about am/pm so no tricks LOL)

Rule Bending Masters

(check our WEEKLY LOOPHOLES)

Okay-  So I have taken a break from my role as this self proclaimed master of bending rules.   I have been up to my adam’s apple in side projects.  Get Bent was on the back burner for a little.  I have good good news and bad news- Bad news first:  I was trying to edit episode 6 and some parts were the most hilarious stuff we have done, but it was WAYYY long so I had to cut short some of the comedy.  The Good news:  4 new videos are in the works!!  NOW there is enough hilarity and fuck ups to put out Episodes  6,  7,  and episode  7.5!! All of this as well as a volume 2 of outtakes!!  If you haven’t yet seen the first one check it out (we recommend you view it in HQ on youtube).    So to paraphrase, the bad news is that Episode 6 will not be the wall-to-wall blast of comedy that I had originally, but it has turned into 2 unforeseen videos for the grand total of 4 pretty solid brand-new installments from everyone’s favorite rule bending, slogan twisting duo.  (also a few new Nuck Chorris facts have been added)

(if you like to drink Kool Aid, try Get Bent’s special Mayan-flavored)