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First Deep Thought 07/09/08

RELIGIOUS WARS (by J-Wo)

 Get Bent: The Official 2012 Prediction

I love it when people say “I may or may not be going to the game tonight.”  It’s not so much the going to the game part of it that I find to be idiotic- its the I may or may not part.  It’s like No Shit!!  I may or may not have sex with a super model the next time I go to get a gallon of O.J.   I won’t know until it either happens or does not.  The odds are slim, but I still give myself 50/50.   I may or may not break my neck when I stand up after I type this “Deep Thought.”  Who knows?  Every possible thing (notice I said possible) can be given a 50% liklihood of happening because things either happen or they don’t.  Here’s where the word “possible” comes into play; there is a 0% chance that a monkey will crawl out of your ass anytime soon- unless you’re into some shit that most people aren’t, but even then I’d still have to say I don’t see it happening.  We are all guilty of saying “I may or may not…” when referencing something that we are deciding whether or not to do, so obviously I’m not claiming to be innocent of this form of stupidity. And I’m not writing this blog so much to point out the error in our ways as much as I’m doing this to state that everything in life has a 50/50 shot of happening!!!  Now I’m spent.

woz

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Another DEEP THOUGHT 11/18/2008

Toilet Seat Bitching

I have always found it odd that women as a whole agree that men leaving the toilet seat up is something to complain about.  I never understood it.  As a man trying to think like a woman (or a guy who needs to take a shit) I would take the stance against men leaving the seat down.  Would you rather we accidentally peed on it?   I’d be more pissed off if the seat was pissed on.  I could go on, but my lunch break is about to end.  In closing, I’d like to say;   Women, you’ve picked a weak stance on an even weaker battle.  We need the seats up, you need the seats down- we don’t complain when you leave the seats down SO DON’T COMPLAIN WHEN WE LEAVE THE SEATS UP!!  

WOZ

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New DEEP THOUGHT;  March 17th 2009 - (Happy St. Patty’s Day)

Signatures

What is it about the hand-written signature that makes it so sacred?  Why is an ink scribble on a line at the bottom of a piece of paper legally binding without question?  I ponder the significance of these symbols of “authorization” multiple times a day.   I wonder why fraud isn’t a more popular crime.  It seems that it shouldn’t be too hard for a person to deny having ever signed a contract if doing so would relinquish them of having to pay for something.  A lot of the time contracts are faxed, and sometimes from fax numbers that don’t belong to the sender.   What’s to stop somebody from scribbling something that is not their hand writing, faxing it from a Kinko’s (paying cash to remain untraceable) and then denying that they ever signed it when liability comes into question?  Does Kinko’s check ID??  Doubtful.  On the flipside, what is to stop an insurance company from putting a fake signature on a contract and claiming that it was the “insured” who signed it?  Perjury?  Pshaww!!  A good insurance agent should fear perjury about as much as I fear a back massage!  They lie like a rug over the phone hundreds of times a day- how much harder could it be to lie to a judge and 12 peers once or twice?   I can’t wait until Big Brother has us by the nuts when the thumb print takes over.  I predict thumb-amputation-related crimes will increase at least three-fold…at LEAST!!

WOZ

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new deep thought 6/01/2009

FRUIT FLAVORS

Here’s a phenomenon we don’t think twice about:  fruit flavors!  It has nothing to do with San Francisco, (eventhough I wrote this in a beautiful shade of lavender)  and I’m not referencing the flavor of various fruits themselves, but more the attempted “replication” of the flavor from said fruits.  Take Grape Big league chew for example;  If actual grapes tasted that good- life would rock!!  “Grape” is definitely the biggest culprit out of all of the “mock” fruits.  How they get that as an accurate depiction of a grape’s flavor is beyond me!!  If I came from another planet and somebody handed me a box of Grape NERDS and said it was supposed to taste like a bushel of grapes I’d tell them to Get Bent, but I would probably say Get Fucked!! (just to sound cooler)  But it doesn’t stop with grapes;   Think about every glass of Kool Aid you’ve ever drank, Slurpee  you’ve ever slurped,  Jolly Rancher you’ve ever sucked, or Blow Pop you’ve ever blown- what do they all have in common?  They don’t taste like any piece of fruit you’ve ever eaten, at all!!  Right?   Go ahead, pick a flavor-   Watermelon?  Fuck no!!  Strawberry? Not in this lifetime.   Cherry?  No.  Not fresh off of a cherry tree at least.   Sour apple?  What do they take us for!?  Now let’s try Orange-  yeah, let’s try the one fruit flavor that sucks even more than the fruit itself!!   Kiwi, grapefruit, blue raspberry (does a blue raspberry even exist?).  What about the Schnozzberries?  The list goes on!  I think banana is the closest one to the truth…and that one is a total stretch!  No probably “orange” but who cares.  I’m done venting.  On a side note;  I am a huge fan of Banana Nestle Quick!!  But not Banana Runts.  How inconsistent is that?  The world is a messed up place if shit like THAT is allowed to happen.  God Help us all…

WOZ

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