GET BENT WEEKLY LOOPHOLES (Some are biblical)

(the following link will take you to an album that is not for the easily disturbed)

Another Commandment loophole provided by John Wozniak :

THOU SHALL NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE (which, by the way, should be “THY NEIGHBORS’ WIVES” [as I imagine God is referring to ALL of our neighbors])

LOOPHOLE: Luckily I have been blessed with ugly neighbors!!  It looks like I won’t be going down for that sin.  What if you have a married co-worker that tickles your fancy?  According to the phraseology of said commandment, one can bang a married co-worker in 17 different positions and still be cool in the eyes of their Christian Maker!!  Of course I am not recommending this activity because it is wrong on other levels, and can result in punishments up to and including termination of employment, and YOUR LIFE!!

 (but if you do get killed for it, that does not necessarily preclude you from gaining entrance into  Heaven)    

Another Commandment loophole provided by John Wozniak :

THOU SHALL NOT TAKE THE LORD’S NAME (Jesus or God?) IN VAIN

LOOPHOLE: Let’s start by defining IN VAIN: to use in an irreverent or disrespectful manner.  So if you were to say Jesus/God Damn that chick is hot!!  You are fine.  Calling a woman hot is a sign of utmost respect, so have at it.  SECONDLY:  “God” isn’t even His name.  It’s a job title!  So ANY use of that should be fine by Him. (as long as you are not waging a holy war in his name?)  I should inform you Yaweh is “God’s” Sir Name so please do not swear with that one. 

*Fuck, Shit, Ass, Tits… etc. are NOT EVEN CLOSE to the Lord’s name- so have fun swearing, Shitheads!!

(Simon is a loophole douchebag) 02/11/2010 provided by John Wozniak (AGAIN):

SPEED LIMIT 55

LOOPHOLE: 55 what?  55 miles per second- I think I can obey that rule!  Since speed limit signs just have a number and no specifically noted measurement, it doesn’t even necessarily have to pertain to rate of travel- it could mean that you may not possess more than 55 [units] of speed on that particular stretch of highway.  I say go with grams.  If you are travelling with 54 grams or less of speed in a 55 zone you are obeying the limit

FYI  If you go with kilos your gonna get nailed for trafficking.

02/04/2010 the following weekly loophole is provided by John Wozniak:

Restrooms are for “PAYING CUSTOMERS” only!!

LOOPHOLE: People with these restroom signs can fuck right off- or Get Bent if you will.  So listen; according to the rules of the English language, by not letting you use their restroom they are calling you a thief!!  That is beyond rude.  You don’t have to make a purchase at their store to be considered a “paying customer.”  When you go to any regular store, are you a paying customer?  Or I should ask: have you paid for at least ONE thing in your life?  If so, you may consider yourself a “paying customer.” ENJOY…

 01/28/2010 the following weekly loophole is provided by John Wozniak

NOT FOR INDIVIDUAL SALE!!! 

Loophole:   Sell the shit in PAIRS!!  (cologne samples, shower gels, laundry detergent samples, ketchup packets, etc.)   Go out and make some money!!!!!!

 01/21/2010 the 4th loophole is provided by John Wozniak:

The first Commandment of the Christian religion is: I am the Lord Thy God.  Thou shall not worship any other gods before me

4^th Loophole:   How about worshipping other gods  after Him, Her or It? Grammatically it does allow for the worship of unlimited gods as long as you remember who  comes first.  (yes I went there…9 more to go)

01/14/2010 the 3rd loophole is provided by Simon Juarez:

Not too many things require you to be younger than a certain age to do them, but sometimes you’ll see a restaurant with a kid’s menu that may have a slight degree of age discrimination within the text.  That’s where we come in:  Every menu is worded differently, but you’ll usually be able to apply this rarely needed gem of a loophole.  Leap year babies- This Bud’s for you…  

3rd Loophole:   The web definition of birthday is “an anniversary of the day on which a person was born” if that day was February 29^th then their “age” could only be defined by the number of February 29ths that they have existed for- making them a quarter of the age of their peers.  (funny that they use “anniversary” and “was.”  I guess that means that the actual day that a person is born would not be considered a birthday [eventhough it is THE birthday] )   Enjoy, all of you leap year babies…

(sometimes amusement parks will have an age and height limit.  If you are a midget born on February 29^th you may be set for life)

 01/07/2010 the 2nd loophole is provided by John Wozniak:

 This week’s loophole also has to do with driving.  Plus, it can be used in conjunction with last week’s loophole.  This one’s going to revolutionize how we run errands.  Ready?  Okay, NO PARKING ZONES?!  (pause for your reaction).   NPZ’s are the forbidden fruit of the entities we know as parking lots, shopping centers, streets and alleys.  Why are the sweetest spots on Earth always tagged with a friggin’ NO PARKING SIGN?  And how can we navigate around these obstacles? 

 2nd Loophole:  put that baby in neutral and technically you’re not “parked.” Bon Apetit’ or something.

Hey Einstein- one more thing: make sure that you’re on a flat surface first!!  

12/31/2009 this loophole is provided by John Wozniak: 

ON JANUARY 1, 2010 (tomorrow) IT WILL BE ILLEGAL (in Illinois)  TO: 

* Send or read a text message while your car is in traffic, unless fully stopped due to a blocked roadway (such as a train crossing).  A stop sign or stop light does NOT waive this restriction.  You must place the car in park or neutral gear, or pull over to the side of the road and stop. 

* Use a cell phone in a SCHOOL or CONSTRUCTION zone without the use of a hands-free device. 

People suck enough at driving without texting to other douchebags, so I won’t supply the loophole for that ruling. HOWEVER, no cell phones in construction zones or school zones unless your device is hands free>!?   What if you gotta let someone know you’re running late?  And you don’t have Bluetooth??  Whatever shall we do!?!?

 1st loophole:  my cell phone doesn’t have hands growing out of it.   Wouldn’t that make it a “hands free” device?    ENJOY… 

*these probably won’t hold up in court

 Get Bent: The Official 2012 PredictionGet Bent: The Official 2012 Prediction

Get Bent 7.5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWuGQrw9mpE&hl

Burger King Swearfest

 Get Bent would first like to point out that for some reason we took it upon ourselves to swear enough to offend a truck driver in this episode.  Sorry, Mom.  Happy Mother’s Day?  As if my mom is ever gonna see this page!!  Anyway, this one was shot a few weeks ago (April 26th to be exact), and it was so jammed with information that I had to sit on it for a while to even know which direction to go w/ the editing process.  That AND I was in another state for over a week so rushing this would have lead to garbage.  The footage for this video was packed dense with hilarity.  I hope I utilized it wisely.  It kind of came out making us look like total pricks- LOL.  It’s hard to not look like an ass hole when you’re trying to have it your way at Burger King!  I gotta still laugh at how you just CANNOT have it your way!  At all. I digress.  As you can see this episode is all over the place; we were in a car, ordering inside, having conversations with employees as well as cheeseburgers and we even successfully got them to squirt out a spongebob!!!  Not to mention there was another BK we shot stuff at that I didn’t even use cuz it would have spilled over the 10 minute mark!  That one sucked anyway.  It will be in round 2 of the outtakes.  My point is that…I don’t think I have a point.  Just watch.   

PS the people at this location were nice, but I still DID NOT HAVE IT MY WAY!!!

  

Got milk?

(check our WEEKLY LOOPHOLES)

This video has some leftover pieces from what I had originally planned for episode 6 - which, in turn was actually left over, unused scrap footage from episode V.  The left over stuff includes the McDonalds “McCheef” bit, (BY THE WAY, SINCE THEN MCDONALDS CHANGED THEIR VERBAGE read more) and a of the few random quickies at the beginning.  (we like to have a few of those on hand) Pretty much everything else is new stuff from the same day at the mall.  Believe it or not there is some stuff from episode V that is still getting rolled over and may/or may not go in episode 8.  While we were at the mall we came up with like thirty random, hilarious side plots we can throw into episodes when this show gets picked up.     We now have even more (currently) undoable ideas that would take some $$$ to get people to actually partake in it.  Not to mention a camera man and/or hidden camera with lav mics for better sound quality.   It all takes $$$…  We even told one security guard that another one was talking smack, and had him believing it.  It was hysterical!!  Hopefully he gets what’s coming his way for telling us we can’t film at or around Victoria’s Secret.   By the way, those supple cans that are featured belong to my last girlfriend- NOT anything pertaining to Simon or his wife (my cousin).  The Ex GF did not know that I used her likeness for this specific purpose.  (that bump-n-grind was supposed to be for a commercial skit idea that we both came up with that was kinda funny.  Maybe she’ll let me put her face in the outtakes, because she’s kind of a hottie)  I figure if she’ll let me stick other things in other places why not insert her face into a video…or something?   As for the girls that we sweet-talked at the mall, that story is still developing… (for John-  not “Simon the married guy”).

Don’t forget- to see this video in high quality click on the HQ square right under the picture next to the volume adjuster thingy

ENJOY

WOZ

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The Pointless One

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You want to talk about slapping something together?  This episode is rejected “Benders” from Episode V as well as some other previously unused footage.  I was laughing hysterically while editing it, but not so much when I watched the finished product.  In fact I think it is just this side of complete DOGSHIT!!  Let’s see what you think.  Not to mention that in this episode The Woz Man looks his ugliest so far!!  Ladies; Sorry to disappoint LOL.  That Marilyn Monroe shirt has been featured in our last 3 videos!!  So I have mentioned that my computer is being a bitchass when it comes to capturing footage.  That, plus my camera failed to get repaired properly- so I dug into some old, previously unusable bullshit (Family Video, See Through Kitchen, Burrito X-press) just to buy some time and passify our viewers.   However, last week while shooting the Payless chunk as well as some other stuff (that ill now be on Episode 7) we had to stop at the pet store to get crickets for Simon’s Iguana- so we brought the camera in with us and shot a bunch of stupid pet store shit and decided to just go for random humor on this one and push our other stuff onto the next one.   PS I’m aware that the 2nd Family Video chunk is totally out of focus, and the collar on my jacket is folded inward and I look like a bafoon!!

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Don’t forget- to see this video in high quality click on the HQ square right under the picture next to the volume adjuster thingy

DARKSIDE OF THE GRAVE

Of Course, a special thanks needs to go out to Andrei for that magical night in Toronto (wink,wink) his passionate vocals on our “Siamese Destroyer” duet should win him a Grammy, or at least get him laid by somebody’s grammy! (If you’ve ever left our album playing and forgot to press stop when it “ends” you know what I’m talking about

King Me, Bitch!!

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Yes, we’re back with another Get Bent fraction.  I didn’t even change my shirt for this one.  This fraction of an episode is NOT a fraction of the good times, I will tell you that right now.  It’s not as long as most of our other videos, but is definitely as funny…sort of.  It was shot on two separate days:  The first day was a few weeks ago on the same day that we shot ACE HARDWARE, and DUNKIN DONUTS.  So for the my (John’s) part, I’d like to once again thank John Benavides for his production assistance.  Not much else to say about this video- except that we thought the commercial said “…put change in your pocket” They said “money!” Oh well, we don’t practice what we preach.    One thing that is cool is that with these “point 5” episodes (both centered around Burger King’s undeliverable slogan) I barely have to make any incisions on the timeline. (the next BK installment is gonna be a different story though) There were a few cuts I had to do for my part, including that clockwise wipe that probably blew your mind, but Simon’s part is ONE SOLID TAKE from the speaker to when we drove off!!  Damn we’re good.  Damn we’re good!!!! We will keep fucking with the King until they can live up to that slogan. 

(if you like this one check out Get Bent 7.5)

Don’t forget- to see this video in high quality click on the HQ square right under the picture next to the volume adjuster thingy

 WOZ  

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Watch the END CREDITS!!!

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HOLY SHIT!! Get it? Wah, wah, wah….Anyway, for all who are easily offended I’d like to start by saying, you’ve come to the WRONG website!! Furthermore, you’ve landed on what is possibly the most offensive installment of this show in the entire Get Bent catalogue!! Stop viewing or start spewing (Exorcist reference). If you are here because you like the show, then sit back and enjoy. If your attention span is anything like mine, you’ll think the first half moves at a rather slower pace. There are not as many loopholes per minute as Episode IV, but they can’t all be. Everybody was so nice that I couldn’t deliver on some of our benders!! I even shot a few things last week that I couldn’t use because I caved too easily due to people being too nice. On the other hand, the back end of this episode is my favorite so far! The very end of this video is straight hilarious!! I like meeting total assholes. Like complete fucking pricks!! Those are the ones that get the most enjoyable reaction from our viewers. If you listen closely to me arguing with the haircut guy outside the car you can hear me totally butchering his name. I say it phonetically. I won’t mention his name here, but listen when he’s saying “that’s me, Pal” before that you can hear me asking if he is ****** (6 letters). That chunk totally did not go as planned… obviously. We will have to do the haircut thing again, and if the show gets picked up - you bet your ass we’re gonna pay that dickhead a visit. We have some funny requests for a haircut place that we didn’t even get to mention. It would have been funny, but It was hilarious how him and Simon went at it for a while. Good footage!! And sound quality, surprisingly. Also I know I had to use Godfather music over the Goodfellas video. That is because I wanted a group shot of mobsters rather than 1 Godfather, and also Goodfellas doesn’t have a musical score like that. I also think it’s a better movie. As for the Jesus thing; I have a blog on the Get Bent myspace page that explains why what I did is okay. Of course to read it you have to be my friend- HA. I will tell you that Jesus was not the first or the last person to die on a cross. Hopefully you find this video to be humorous.

Don’t forget- to see this video in high quality click on the HQ square right under the picture next to the volume adjuster thingy

WOZ

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(THE REAL REASON WE GOT THE MASKS)

So this is yet another promo intended to be short but sweet.  There is no loophole or loopholes behind this video, (nor do I think I bent any rules) but we thought this would be a funny idea.  We shot this right before we decided to go to Burger King to screw with those people wearing the same masks (see episode 4.5).  As I mentioned before it was rainy that day, and our episode 5 plans got set back.  Not only was it rainy, but it was pretty chilly, so much props goes to Simon Jr. and Justin for slugging it out shirtless in the rain!  We got some stares from the passersby on the road, but that didn’t stop the two youngins from squaring off.  They take their politics seriously for a couple of 5/6 year-olds.  It’s tough to say who won out of Barrack Obama and John McCain.  Anyway, we’ll keep cranking out more funny stuff!! 

Simon: Produced one of the fighters, and had the idea for them to scrap.

Kyle:   Retrieved the Street Fighter Music and sound effects.

John:  Found additional sound effects and edited this piece (also had the idea to have them fight shirtless).

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 A Litte TOO Obnoxious

(but if you like 4.5 check out Get Bent 7.5)

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REDEMPTION

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I originally wanted to call this one “What’s in Store?”  because a lot of the episode takes place in the store where we shot our promo, but realized shortly after that that title would be lame.   we got a lot of footage the day we shot the promo.  That was a fun day.  Since then I got my driver’s license so now I am planning more shooting.  I think Simon and I have a plan to do bi-monthly shooting  (bimonthly actually means both ‘twice a month’ AND ‘every two months’ - wierd) That is to say we’ll be meeting up twice a month (or more depending on how the popularity of this site progresses [keep spreading the word so we can totally focus on the show]).  Off on a tangent again.  I apologize for the darkness of Simon’s reaction shot to the “Homegrown Bunny Grahams” I totally forgot to shoot that one when the sun was out.  Also my deepest apologies for the carwash scene and the shitty audio.  God was I pissed when I was reviewing the footage!  I was saying some funny stuff when the boss first came up.  I totally had his involuntary consent to a handjob inside my Honda for $75, but you could not hear the first part of our conversation at all, and to type subtitles for the whole minute of inaudible dialogue would have been obnoxious and would have reeked of BS.   The whole time he thought I was wanting to get the inside of my car cleaned.   How is that $75?  Now that I think about it, that is a little pricey to have your car cleaned – maybe he knew what I was talking about after all.  Anyway, now that the forces have realigned and I’m driving, we will putting out more stuff. 

Until next time…

Don’t forget- to see this video in high quality click on the HQ square right under the picture next to the volume adjuster thingy

(If you are looking at this show for any purpose other than just entertainment ($$$) please READ )

 (check our WEEKLY LOOPHOLES)

This was an idea that I had and was going to just throw it into an episode for filler.  As you may have noticed the episodes are all about 10 minutes, so filler is not exactly necessary.  While shooting this Simon took it upon himself to pronounce SURE like SEWER.  We knew it would be hilarious- or we thought it would.  He also had the idea to toss the bagels and the feminine wipes rather than just hold them up.  Kyle had the idea to stop the music at a few key points (he’s pretty good with an idea) which added to the humor - he was also the post production engineer, for technical things.  I (John) edited it.    This is our attempt at going viral.  I know that if one of us broke a bone or accidentally caused some other sort of bodily harm our chances of going viral would increase- maybe next time.  I had to do it with swears because I think “ass-fuck” is a funny thing to call someone.

Thanks to WEEN for the underture music from the song “Ice Castles” off of White Pepper - and thanks to  FANTOMAS for the blast at the end of the promo from the song “The Godfather” off of the album The Director’s Cut.

Don’t walk to the store to check out these albums…RUN 

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Stop Right There!!

Youtube has been all jacked-up lately with their new uploader.  for some reason the quality looks like you’re watching it on a TI-81 calculator-It is total crap!  However, you can click the HQ square on the video screen and see this bad boy in High Quality.  These are just kind of a glimpse into the “fun times” that go into taping this steaming pile of show. 

PS  stay tuned!!! 

(check our WEEKLY LOOPHOLES)

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Links To Our Sponsors

Mrs. Wozniak’s site

Also special thanks to the guy that put this site together, Bruce Jones from my radical web design firm Design And Promote

Episode II

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 Don’t forget- to see this video in high quality click on the HQ square right under the picture next to the volume adjuster thingy

Episode III

I fought the Law and the..Law Sucks!

This one was inspired by a background check conducted by my employer. A background check that I FAILED. Had it not been for my death-defying ability to sieze loopholes I’d be out of a job. That plus there were actually false pretenses involved that would have lead to an unnecessary termination. But I digress. That’s a whole different story. When you fail a BG check you get a copy of said document. I was forced to dig up like 4 pounds of dusty paperwork in my ultimately successful attempt to disprove the allegations of the BG check. I still have my job, and in looking at some of my ancient court documents and some of the charges that I got, I was inspired to take on the mother of all rules and regulations. Seeing how some of these laws differ from, say, Newton’s Law of Gravity on logical level, the content of this episode pretty much needed to be passed on to all…

Having said that, you’ll notice that I have like 6 different haircuts, a few different outfits, and I never look the same from one shot to the next. Especially the part when I mention kicking the window and the next shot of me saying the thing about consent. It was like Spring for the “consent” part and last week for the “window” part. This episode, unlike the others, has spanned a lot of time for the 10 minutes that we got. There has been a lot of stuff going on within, and without the show. When we scrunched the lego pieces of edited footage together after deciding the logical order - we saw the time and we were at 12 minutes!! I was fucking pissed!! If I would have cut it in half, which I considered, it would have left me with one slower more monologue-driven piece and another ADD pointless chunk. They needed to go together to be cohesive. I had to whiddle down my complete vision to make time. The part where I explain that my parents got hit by a car, after chopping it
, came out sounding like I’m pissed off that my dad didn’t get a jay-walking ticket!! That wasn’t my point at all, so it’s kinda funny. Anyway, I hope you like it. And if the quality looks like shit go to youtube and click “watch in high quality.”

Simon Says: Tell a friend about BENTLOOPHOLE.COM

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(If you are looking at this show for any purpose other than just entertainment ($$$) please READ )

The Trailer

Question: If somebody hands you a turd sandwich, is it your obligation to take a bite out of it?

Answer: Shit No! Nor is it your responsibility to ensure that the person who made that sandwich feels good about themselves. We as a society founded on the very principles of free thought have lost sight of that simple notion. We take what is given to us out of habit. We do what is asked of us without question. Well I got a question: What the FUCK is the deal with carpool lanes? Cars don’t have pools!! (an example of my literal thinking. But seriously, carpool lanes are kinda pointless) The world is full of stupidity, and a good portion of that stupidity is printed up in the form of rules and regulations and/or other types of lists and various types of signage, brochures, menus, etc. It’s time to take the power back and point out to these freaks that we’re not gonna take this lying down. But on a more passive note, you can just check out this page. Me hopes you likey, wait..

 Rules are meant to GET BENT

(confused about getting the flyer? read our disclaimer)

Get Bent: The Official 2012 Prediction

 (also check our WEEKLY LOOPHOLES)

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sue THIS Chuck!! 
 (an album that only Nuck Chorris can relate to)

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Get Bent: The Official 2012 Prediction read THIS if you wanna survive the end 

The entire DEAD WRONG album Darkside of the Grave is out now.   As of July 25 it is on available for download on Amazon and with 20 songs at $8.99 we’re talking less than 45 cents per song!!  Grab it while it’s hot (or at least warm).  I should warn you that THIS ALBUM IS NOT FOR THE EASILY DISTURBED!! 

(done advertising my stuff…you may now enjoy some Nuck Chorris jokes) 

BP asked Nuck Chorris if they could pay him to stop the oil leak with his dick.  Nuck Chorris replied by saying “you can’t afford this dick!”

Sharks have a week devoted to Nuck Chorris.

Nuck Chorris doesn’t mow his lawn – he dares his grass to grow

Nuck Chorris’s cowboy boots are made out of real cowboys.

Nuck Chorris doesn’t get bumped up to First Class- First class gets bumped down to Nuck Chorris.

Nuck Chorris clogs the toilet when he pisses

Santa Claus doesn’t go down Nuck Chorris’s chimney on Christmas Eve…for obvious reasons

Nuck Chorris doesn’t sit on Santa’s lap- Santa sits on Nuck Chorris’s lap 

TRUE OR FALSE: if by some incredible space-time paradox, Nuck Chorris would ever fight himself, he’d win.

ANSWER:  False!   (He would lose to Nuck Chorris)

Nuck Chorris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Nuck Chorris got his driver’s license at the age of 16 seconds.

Nuck Chorris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Q:  Why did Nuck Chorris have snowflakes on his shoulders?

A:  Cuz he just got done beating the Hell out of Jack Frost

Nuck Chorris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

On Valentine’s Day, Nuck Chorris doesn’t give you chocolates in a heart shaped box – he stuffs the chocolates into a human heart,  rips a dozen roses out of the ground with his mind and then hands it to every girl in the universe simultaneously

Nuck Chorris’s Blackberry comes in 12 different flavors.

Nuck Chorris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Nuck Chorris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Nuck Chorris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Nuck Chorris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Nuck Chorris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF NUCK CHORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Nuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Nuck Chorris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Nuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Did you know Nuck Chorris’s teeth brush themselves out of fear?

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Nuck Chorris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.

There is no chin behind Nuck Chorris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Nuck Chorris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Nuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The only line that Nuck Chorris stands in is the line of fire.

It was once believed that Nuck Chorris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Nuck Chorris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

If you can see Nuck Chorris, he can see you. If you can’t see Nuck Chorris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Nuck Chorris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Nuck Chorris.

When Nuck Chorris was denied a sausage McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Nuck Chorris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Nuck Chorris doesn’t believe in Germany.

Nuck Chorris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded Uzi.

When Nuck Chorris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Nuck said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Nuck Chorris.”

Nuck Chorris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

Nuck Chorris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

A cobra once bit Nuck Chorris’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Nuck Chorris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Nuck Chorris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

Nuck Chorris makes onions cry.

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Nuck Chorris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Nuck Chorris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

When Nuck Norris jumps into a pool he doesn’t get wet - the water gets Nuck Chorrised!

Nuck Chorris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

There Is No Such Thing As A Lesbian, There Are Just Girls Who Haven’t Met Nuck Chorris

Only one person has ever survived a round house kick from Chuck Norris, his name…..Nuck Chorris

A man once asked Nuck Chorris if he was having a nice day, Nuck Chorris replied that the day was in fact having a nice Nuck Chorris, he then roundhouse kicked the man in the face for daring to ask Nuck a question.

Nuck Chorris CAN touch MC Hammer!

Every night the Boogie Man checks his closet to make sure Nuck Chorris isn’t there.

Nuck Chorris is the only man alive who can slam a revolving door

when god said “let there be light” Nuck Chorris made him say “please”

Nuck Chorris can believe it’s not butter.

When Nuck Chorris exercises, the machine gets stronger

Nuck Chorris can speak Braille

Nuck Chorris can divide by 0

Nuck Chorris once visited the Virgin Islands….. they are now just known as Islands

Nuck Chorris’ sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

Nuck Chorris, Randy Couture and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Randy Couture why he thinks he should have the seat and Randy replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because I won the UFC heavyweight title when I was 44.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Nuck Chorris, who replies with, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat.”

before Nuck Chorris, there was only one political party. then Nuck Chorris karate chopped it in two to form democrats and republicans. Nuck Chorris likes conflict.

Nuck Chorris once roundhouse kicked God so hard that he had a kid named Jesus.

Nuck Chorris can think of a wrong way to eat a Reeses

Nuck Chorris once kicked a rock…its now known as the moon

Nuck Chorris, Randy Couture and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Randy Couture why he thinks he should have the seat and Randy replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because I won the UFC heavyweight title again when I was 44.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Nuck Chorris, who replies with, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat.”

here’s only one hand that beats a royal flush…Nuck Chorris’ hand

Instead of warming up before a workout Nuck Chorris hammers himself to a crucifix then pulls the stakes out with his teeth.

Nuck Chorris doesn’t defy gravity. Gravity obeys him.

Nuck Chorris doesn’t wear a watch he say’s what time it is

In the beggining there was nothing … then Nuck Chorris roundhouse kicked that nothing and told it get a job

Beggers on the streets don’t ask Nuck Chorris for money. They give it to him.

Nuck Chorris is the reason Waldo hides

Nuck Chorris is so great that he counted to infinity, twice

Hugh Hefner has boasted having sex with 20000 women over the years , Nuck Chorris, calls that a slow Tuesday

Nuck Chorris doesn’t need to eat his Wheaties.

King Arthur didn’t pull the sword from the stone, Nuck Chorris did. But a few days later, after seeing “Made in China” on the hilt while cleaning the Lock Nesse Monser’s blood off of it, he threw it away.

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Nuck Chorris thinks of natural law as more of a suggestion

Nuck Chorris finished the song that never ends

Nuck Chorris doesn’t tea-bag women, he potato-sacks them.

Nuck Chorris can talk about fight club.

Nuck Chorris doesnt do push ups, he pushs the earth DOWN

If Nuck Chorris is late, time better slow the fuck down

Nuck Chorris was the 4th wise man, and he gave Jesus the gift of beard, which Jesus proudly wore till his dying day. The other wise men were so jealous that they evicted Nuck Chorris from the bible. they later were found dead of multiple roundhouse kicks to the face.

Chuckie from “child’s play”, is actaully Nuck Chorris’s doll from his youth!

Nuck Chorris is Darth Vader’s father!

They use Nuck Chorris’s foreskin when it rains at Yankee Stadium

Nuck Chorris’s dog is trained to pick up it’s own poop because Nuck Chorris will not take shit from anything.

The Hulk reverts back to Bruce Banner when Nuck Chorris is around!

Nuck Chorris doesn’t listen to the radio, the radio listens to Nuck Chorris!

Nuck Chorris died 10 years ago…But the grimm reaper was afraid to tell him

What is the quickest way to mans heart? Nuck Chorris’s fist.

Mr. T and Nuck Chorris walk into a bar. The bar explodes, because no building can contain that much awesome.

Nuck Chorris can sneeze with his eyes open

Lemons think that Nuck Chorris is too sour.

the moon does not orbit around the earth it orbits around Nuck Chorris

Nuck Chorris killed Hitler, not out of patriotism, but because he had such a sorry excuse for facial hair.

No girls ever fucked Nuck Chorris without getting at least 15 stitches.

Nuck Chorris invented doggy-style, except he calls it Nuck Chorris-style, and you better too.

Nuck Chorris can make even the meanest of bull-dykes moist in the crotch.

Nuck Chorris doesn’t know karate – Karate knows Nuck Chorris.

Mount St. Helen never erupted, Nuck Chorris just got pissed off.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Nuck Chorris.  Ironically they grow up only to be killed by Nuck Chorris

There are only 2 things that will survive a nuclear holocaust: cockroaches and Nuck Chorris

Pangea originally split apart the first time Nuck Chorris did his Kata.

Contrary to popular theories, the continents don’t all move apart at the same time. Whichever one Nuck Chorris is standing on stays still and the rest of them move away from it.

Crop circles are Nuck Chorris’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lay down.

The coral reef in the ocean are all turning white because they know that Nuck Chorris is out there somewhere.

Nuck Chorris can edit PDF files

Nuck Chorris can download Metallica mp3s using Napster

Nuck Chorris has a yahoo account with gmail

Nuck Chorris didn’t wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Nuck Chorris doesn’t step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Nuck Chorris

Nuck Chorris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Nuck Chorris’ PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Nuck Chorris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Nuck Chorris can build a snowman out of rain.

Nuck Chorris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Nuck Chorris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks

Nuck Chorris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird.

Apple pays Nuck Chorris 99 cents every time he downloads to a song.

The grass is always greener on the other side.  Unless Nuck Chorris was there in which case the grass is soaked in blood and tears.

a picture is worth a thousand words.  A Nuck Chorris is worth a trillion words.

Nuck Chorris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Nuck Chorris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence,

Nuck Chorris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego

Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Nuck Chorris 

Nuck Chorris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws

Nuck Chorris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage

It takes Nuck Chorris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes

Nuck Chorris ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills and blinked once.  Once.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Nuck Chorris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off

Nuck Chorris Facts

 (If you are looking at this show for any purpose other than just entertainment ($$$) please READ )

(check our WEEKLY LOOPHOLES)

New Deep Thought 04/28/2010

Today’s technology is mind-blowing.  We can do things now that would have seemed like a complete fantasy 100 years ago.  I don’t need to waste time citing examples because if you’re on my deep thoughts page you’re smart enough to run through all the examples in your head.  So not only can we contact virtually anybody in the world at any time w/ a pocket-sized device, but we can also have thousands of rock albums to listen to at our leisure (also via a pocket-sized device). A feat deemed implausible, what;10 years ago?    Shit is advancing.  I forget which comedian said it, (possibly Seinfeld or Joe Rogan) but stuff just keeps getting smaller!  We will not be flying (or hovering) around in fancy personal car-ships like in the Jetsons, or in Back to The Future 2.  Hover boards:  not likely!  Jet packs would make even the most boring of days a sweet one.  In any case, I’ll stop fixating on pipedreams.   The truth is there is a TON of stuff that we are capable of doing with today’s technology.  So why is it that cds and dvds get scratched if you look at them the wrong way?  That’s fucked up!!  How can we invent a disc shaped piece of plast-o-metal that can hold 4 episodes of The Shield [PLUS special features], but yet we can’t make it dependable enough to place into a DVD player without nicking it up?  It can’t cost a whole hell of a lot to make CD’s, DVD’s and Blu-rays a little more scratch resistant!!  Just once I’d like to get a Red Box movie without 18 slice marks on the bottom of it.  Obviously some assholes treat rental DVDs worse than others, but I digress.  I mean, we’ve been to the moon already, for Fuck’s sake- and that was in 1969!!!  Now we have the ability to send people into outer space to orbit the earth at a distance of 220 miles above our heads for six months at a time!!!   Why have they not put a scratch proof DVD on the market?  Why?  Because, as Chris Rock said, “the money ain’t in the cure.”  Ponder that shit.

Woz

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New Deep Thought 04/09/2010

Hello, its Friday and I just had an epiphany.  I’m sure I’m not the first one who realized this, but It does not have to be a Friday or Saturday to tell somebody to have a nice weekend.   The way I see it, you’re never more than 5 days away from a weekend (unless it is Sunday in which case it IS the weekend) so it is always appropriate.  If you feel that you can wish somebody a Merry Christmas in November, but disagree with my weekend philosophy, you can kiss every square inch of my ass…Have a nice weekend.

WOZ

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New deep thought 6/01/2009

FRUIT FLAVORS

Here’s a phenomenon we don’t think twice about:  fruit flavors!  It has nothing to do with San Francisco, (eventhough I wrote this in a beautiful shade of lavender)  and I’m not referencing the flavor of various fruits themselves, but more the attempted “replication” of the flavor from said fruits.  Take Grape Big league chew for example;  If actual grapes tasted that good- life would rock!!  “Grape” is definitely the biggest culprit out of all of the “mock” fruits.  How they get THAT as an accurate depiction of a grape’s flavor is beyond me!!  If I came from another planet and somebody handed me a box of Grape NERDS and said it was supposed to taste like a bushel of grapes I’d tell them to Get Bent, but I would probably say Get Fucked!! (just to sound cooler)  But it doesn’t stop with grapes;   Think about every glass of Kool Aid you’ve ever drank, Slurpee  you’ve ever slurped,  Jolly Rancher you’ve ever sucked, or Blow Pop you’ve ever blown- what do they all have in common?  They don’t taste like any piece of fruit you’ve ever eaten, at all!!  Right?   Go ahead, pick a flavor-   Watermelon?  Fuck no!!  Strawberry? Not in this lifetime.   Cherry?  No.  Not fresh off of a cherry tree at least.   Sour apple?  What do they take us for!?  Now let’s try Orange-  yeah, let’s try the one fruit flavor that sucks even more than the fruit itself!!   Kiwi, grapefruit, blue raspberry (does a blue raspberry even exist?).  What about the Schnozzberries?  The list goes on!  I think banana is the closest one to the truth…and that one is a total stretch!  No probably “orange” but who cares.  I’m done venting.  On a side note;  I am a huge fan of Banana Nestle Quick!!  But not Banana Runts.  How inconsistent is that?  The world is a messed up place if shit like THAT is allowed to happen.  God Help us all…

WOZ

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New DEEP THOUGHT;  March 17th 2009 - (Happy St. Patty’s Day)

Signatures

What is it about the hand-written signature that makes it so sacred?  Why is an ink scribble on a line at the bottom of a piece of paper legally binding without question?  I ponder the significance of these symbols of “authorization” multiple times a day.   I wonder why fraud isn’t a more popular crime.  It seems that it shouldn’t be too hard for a person to deny having ever signed a contract if doing so would relinquish them of having to pay for something.  A lot of the time contracts are faxed, and sometimes from fax numbers that don’t belong to the sender.   What’s to stop somebody from scribbling something that is not their hand writing, faxing it from a Kinko’s (paying cash to remain untraceable) and then denying that they ever signed it when liability comes into question?  Does Kinko’s check ID??  Doubtful.  On the flipside, what is to stop an insurance company from putting a fake signature on a contract and claiming that it was the “insured” who signed it?  Perjury?  Pshaww!!  A good insurance agent should fear perjury about as much as I fear a back massage!  They lie like a rug over the phone hundreds of times a day- how much harder could it be to lie to a judge and 12 peers once or twice?   I can’t wait until Big Brother has us by the nuts when the thumb print takes over.  I predict thumb-amputation-related crimes will increase at least three-fold…at LEAST!!

WOZ

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Another DEEP THOUGHT 11/18/2008

Toilet Seat Bitching

I have always found it odd that women as a whole agree that men leaving the toilet seat up is something to complain about.  I never understood it.  As a man trying to think like a woman (or a guy who needs to take a shit) I would take the stance against men leaving the seat down.  Would you rather we accidentally peed on it?   I’d be more pissed off if the seat was pissed on.  I could go on, but my lunch break is about to end.  In closing, I’d like to say;   Women, you’ve picked a weak stance on an even weaker battle.  We need the seats up, you need the seats down- we don’t complain when you leave the seats down SO DON’T COMPLAIN WHEN WE LEAVE THE SEATS UP!!  

WOZ

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NEW DEEP THOUGHT 11/13/2008

50/50 (same author)

I love it when people say “I may or may not be going to the game tonight.”  It’s not so much the going to the game part of it that I find to be idiotic- its the I may or may not part.  It’s like No Shit!!  I may or may not have sex with a super model the next time I go to get a gallon of O.J.   I won’t know until it either happens or does not.  The odds are slim, but I still give myself 50/50.   I may or may not break my neck when I stand up after I type this “Deep Thought.”  Who knows?  Every possible thing (notice I said possible) can be given a 50% liklihood of happening because things either happen or they don’t.  Here’s where the word “possible” comes into play; there is a 0% chance that a monkey will crawl out of your ass anytime soon- unless you’re into some shit that most people aren’t, but even then I’d still have to say I don’t see it happening.  We are all guilty of saying “I may or may not…” when referencing something that we are deciding whether or not to do, so obviously I’m not claiming to be innocent of this form of stupidity. And I’m not writing this blog so much to point out the error in our ways as much as I’m doing this to state that everything in life has a 50/50 shot of happening!!!  Now I’m spent.

woz

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First Deep Thought 07/09/08

RELIGIOUS WARS (by J-Wo)

Religious wars are completely pointless. They are basically arguments over something that can never be proven. It’s like fighting over a test that has no right or wrong answers. Not too many good things ever come out of a holy war except for maybe the song “Jihad” by Slayer. That’s a pretty good jam. So here’s a few questions: Why haven’t the Die-Hard, God-fearing Christians waged an all-out war on Satan Worshippers? That seems like a logical one. You would think Devil worshippers oppose the Christian God pretty blatantly. Would Satanists also be considered Christians? Because to acknowledge Satan is to acknowledge Christianity. Is it not? Do football fans go to war with hockey fans? Not collectively. You always see Green Bay Packers fans about to throw down with Chicago Bears fans. Same sport, different teams. I think that two completely different religions should mind their own God damn business and live and let live.

WOZ

 Get Bent: The Official 2012 PredictionGet Bent: The Official 2012 Prediction

The entire DEAD WRONG album Darkside of the Grave is out now.   As of July 25 it is on available for download on Amazon and with 20 songs at $8.99 we’re talking less than 45 cents per song!!  Grab it while it’s hot (or at least warm).  I should warn you that THIS ALBUM IS NOT FOR THE EASILY DISTURBED!! 

NEW BIOS PAGE COMING SOON (I managed to F up the old one)

The entire DEAD WRONG album is out now.   As of July 25 it is on available for download on Amazon and with 20 songs at $8.99 we’re talking less than 45 cents per song!!  Grab it while it’s hot (or at least warm).  I should warn you that THIS ALBUM IS NOT FOR THE EASILY DISTURBED!! 

ABOUT THE PILOT EPISODE -

(completely shot and edited in 3 days)

For this one I pulled out a few stops. But before anyone else steps forward and points out something that I already know - I’d like to get a few things off my chest. First off: The picture quality, BLAME THAT ON YOUTUBE. We compressed our original 2 gig project down to 100 megs (because that was their max at the time I uploaded the trailer). That is 1 twentieth of the original quality!! It looks like I recorded my stuff with a log of shit! There are definitely a lot of nuances that are way funnier with full quality. Like the part when it shows my eyeball in the pantyhose, to name one. However, It kinda looked like youtube may have recently upped it to a full gig. If so I should probably recompress and upload again. The file is with Kyle. In regards to the camera work, the guys I worked with (excluding Kyle) don’t have any experience let alone a degree in production, but they do work for free. That accounts for the sub-par shooting at parts. Personally, I think they did an awesome job for what they know. My cousin Luke followed my commands to the T and it came out pretty DAMN good.

THANKS CUZ!! Also understand that when you are doing a single camera shoot with the intent to piss people off (unscripted confrontations) there is bound to be be a constant flow of dialog with difficult camera choices to be made (without cutting) while people are all talking over eachother, and me, and not to mention I have no idea what the Fuck I’m walking into. So not every shot is gonna have that Orson Welles stamp of approval. I apologize. Anything that you may notice now, I noticed 10 seconds after we stopped recording. I planned for somebody to actually wear my shoes and walk in them - LOL. I say 2 days of shooting and one long day of editing produced greatness. I think I made some delicious lemonade out of some raggedy ass lemons. Maybe I rushed it a little. Fuck it. The episodes will keep getting better!!!

(my real error is in my recap when I say “…he couldn’t have THINGS his way” it should have been “IT” not “things” but you get where I’m coming from so whatever )

Stay loyal my peeps

 Don’t forget- to see this video in high quality click on the HQ square right under the picture next to the volume adjuster thingy

(If you are looking at this show for any purpose other than just entertainment ($$$) please READ )

Back Blab

So what do you got to say about it? (honestly the best way to get a response from us is through our reverbnation messages- in the meantime check our album )

also available on Amazon.

(If you are looking at this show for any purpose other than just entertainment ($$$) please READ )

It’s time to start taking rules and regulations literally. Grammatical errors and implications are NOT excusable to us. Pissing people off just became way more technical!!

Rules are meant to get BENT !!  (check our WEEKLY LOOPHOLES)

We’re here to tighten the loops in America, but in order to do that we’re gonna need to step through some loopholes. Have you ever seen a sign that makes absolutely no sense? Of course you have. Have you ever read a brochure, restaurant menu or any other forms of advertising and/or list of rules and restrictions that were either redundant, contradictory, implied, pointless or just plain stupid? The answer is YES - we all have. Most people just ignore them. WE choose to exploit them and use them to our comedic advantage. Pretty much every advertisement or list of rules designed to keep order, inadvertantly allows for some wiggle room.

Get Bent is gonna stretch that wiggle room into a man-sized loophole that anybody can fit through. We like to tap dance on the line of pissing people off and possibly going to jail without ever crossing said line thus maintaining our law-abiding status.

Maybe we can make examples out of out of certain documented rules/regulations and make the world a better place by having those institutions reword their literature to grammatically suit their various causes. Maybe not. Either way you better buckle up because this show’s gonna rock your world…and the rest of this site kicks a little ass as well (as does the DEAD WRONG album at the following ITunes link).

(If you are looking at this show for any purpose other than just entertainment ($$$) please READ )