Nuck Chorris Facts
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BP asked Nuck Chorris if they could pay him to stop the oil leak with his dick. Nuck Chorris replied by saying “you can’t afford this dick!”
Sharks have a week devoted to Nuck Chorris.
Nuck Chorris doesn’t mow his lawn – he dares his grass to grow
Nuck Chorris’s cowboy boots are made out of real cowboys.
Nuck Chorris clogs the toilet when he pisses
TRUE OR FALSE: if by some incredible space-time paradox, Nuck Chorris would ever fight himself, he’d win.
ANSWER: False! (He would lose to Nuck Chorris)
Nuck Chorris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Nuck Chorris got his driver’s license at the age of 16 seconds.
Nuck Chorris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Q: Why did Nuck Chorris have snowflakes on his shoulders?
A: Cuz he just got done beating the Hell out of Jack Frost
Nuck Chorris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
On Valentine’s Day, Nuck Chorris doesn’t give you chocolates in a heart shaped box – he stuffs the chocolates into a human heart, rips a dozen roses out of the ground with his mind and then hands it to every girl in the universe simultaneously
Nuck Chorris’s Blackberry comes in 12 different flavors.
Nuck Chorris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Nuck Chorris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Nuck Chorris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Nuck Chorris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Nuck Chorris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF NUCK CHORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Nuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Nuck Chorris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Nuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Did you know Nuck Chorris’s teeth brush themselves out of fear?
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Nuck Chorris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
There is no chin behind Nuck Chorris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Nuck Chorris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Nuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The only line that Nuck Chorris stands in is the line of fire.
It was once believed that Nuck Chorris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Nuck Chorris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
If you can see Nuck Chorris, he can see you. If you can’t see Nuck Chorris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Nuck Chorris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Nuck Chorris.
When Nuck Chorris was denied a sausage McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Nuck Chorris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Nuck Chorris doesn’t believe in Germany.
Nuck Chorris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded Uzi.
When Nuck Chorris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Nuck said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Nuck Chorris.”
Nuck Chorris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
Nuck Chorris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
A cobra once bit Nuck Chorris’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Nuck Chorris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Nuck Chorris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
Nuck Chorris makes onions cry.
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Nuck Chorris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Nuck Chorris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
When Nuck Norris jumps into a pool he doesn’t get wet - the water gets Nuck Chorrised!
Nuck Chorris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
There Is No Such Thing As A Lesbian, There Are Just Girls Who Haven’t Met Nuck Chorris
Only one person has ever survived a round house kick from Chuck Norris, his name…..Nuck Chorris
A man once asked Nuck Chorris if he was having a nice day, Nuck Chorris replied that the day was in fact having a nice Nuck Chorris, he then roundhouse kicked the man in the face for daring to ask Nuck a question.
Nuck Chorris CAN touch MC Hammer!
Every night the Boogie Man checks his closet to make sure Nuck Chorris isn’t there.
Nuck Chorris is the only man alive who can slam a revolving door
when god said “let there be light” Nuck Chorris made him say “please”
Nuck Chorris can believe it’s not butter.
When Nuck Chorris exercises, the machine gets stronger
Nuck Chorris can speak Braille
Nuck Chorris can divide by 0
Nuck Chorris once visited the Virgin Islands….. they are now just known as Islands
Nuck Chorris’ sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
Nuck Chorris, Randy Couture and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Randy Couture why he thinks he should have the seat and Randy replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because I won the UFC heavyweight title when I was 44.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Nuck Chorris, who replies with, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat.”
before Nuck Chorris, there was only one political party. then Nuck Chorris karate chopped it in two to form democrats and republicans. Nuck Chorris likes conflict.
Nuck Chorris once roundhouse kicked God so hard that he had a kid named Jesus.
Nuck Chorris can think of a wrong way to eat a Reeses
Nuck Chorris once kicked a rock…its now known as the moon
Nuck Chorris, Randy Couture and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Randy Couture why he thinks he should have the seat and Randy replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because I won the UFC heavyweight title again when I was 44.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Nuck Chorris, who replies with, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat.”
here’s only one hand that beats a royal flush…Nuck Chorris’ hand
Instead of warming up before a workout Nuck Chorris hammers himself to a crucifix then pulls the stakes out with his teeth.
Nuck Chorris doesn’t defy gravity. Gravity obeys him.
Nuck Chorris doesn’t wear a watch he say’s what time it is
In the beggining there was nothing … then Nuck Chorris roundhouse kicked that nothing and told it get a job
Beggers on the streets don’t ask Nuck Chorris for money. They give it to him.
Nuck Chorris is the reason Waldo hides
Nuck Chorris is so great that he counted to infinity, twice
Hugh Hefner has boasted having sex with 20000 women over the years , Nuck Chorris, calls that a slow Tuesday
Nuck Chorris doesn’t need to eat his Wheaties.
King Arthur didn’t pull the sword from the stone, Nuck Chorris did. But a few days later, after seeing “Made in China” on the hilt while cleaning the Lock Nesse Monser’s blood off of it, he threw it away.
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Nuck Chorris thinks of natural law as more of a suggestion
Nuck Chorris finished the song that never ends
Nuck Chorris doesn’t tea-bag women, he potato-sacks them.
Nuck Chorris can talk about fight club.
Nuck Chorris doesnt do push ups, he pushs the earth DOWN
If Nuck Chorris is late, time better slow the fuck down
Nuck Chorris was the 4th wise man, and he gave Jesus the gift of beard, which Jesus proudly wore till his dying day. The other wise men were so jealous that they evicted Nuck Chorris from the bible. they later were found dead of multiple roundhouse kicks to the face.
Chuckie from “child’s play”, is actaully Nuck Chorris’s doll from his youth!
Nuck Chorris is Darth Vader’s father!
They use Nuck Chorris’s foreskin when it rains at Yankee Stadium
Nuck Chorris’s dog is trained to pick up it’s own poop because Nuck Chorris will not take shit from anything.
The Hulk reverts back to Bruce Banner when Nuck Chorris is around!
Nuck Chorris doesn’t listen to the radio, the radio listens to Nuck Chorris!
Nuck Chorris died 10 years ago…But the grimm reaper was afraid to tell him
What is the quickest way to mans heart? Nuck Chorris’s fist.
Mr. T and Nuck Chorris walk into a bar. The bar explodes, because no building can contain that much awesome.
Nuck Chorris can sneeze with his eyes open
Lemons think that Nuck Chorris is too sour.
the moon does not orbit around the earth it orbits around Nuck Chorris
Nuck Chorris killed Hitler, not out of patriotism, but because he had such a sorry excuse for facial hair.
No girls ever fucked Nuck Chorris without getting at least 15 stitches.
Nuck Chorris invented doggy-style, except he calls it Nuck Chorris-style, and you better too.
Nuck Chorris can make even the meanest of bull-dykes moist in the crotch.
Nuck Chorris doesn’t know karate – Karate knows Nuck Chorris.
Mount St. Helen never erupted, Nuck Chorris just got pissed off.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Nuck Chorris. Ironically they grow up only to be killed by Nuck Chorris
There are only 2 things that will survive a nuclear holocaust: cockroaches and Nuck Chorris
Pangea originally split apart the first time Nuck Chorris did his Kata.
Contrary to popular theories, the continents don’t all move apart at the same time. Whichever one Nuck Chorris is standing on stays still and the rest of them move away from it.
Crop circles are Nuck Chorris’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lay down.
The coral reef in the ocean are all turning white because they know that Nuck Chorris is out there somewhere.
Nuck Chorris can edit PDF files
Nuck Chorris can download Metallica mp3s using Napster
Nuck Chorris has a yahoo account with gmail
Nuck Chorris didn’t wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Nuck Chorris doesn’t step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Nuck Chorris
Nuck Chorris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Nuck Chorris’ PC will crash.
Ghosts are actually caused by Nuck Chorris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Nuck Chorris can build a snowman out of rain.
Nuck Chorris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Nuck Chorris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks
Nuck Chorris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird.
Apple pays Nuck Chorris 99 cents every time he downloads to a song.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Nuck Chorris was there in which case the grass is soaked in blood and tears.
a picture is worth a thousand words. A Nuck Chorris is worth a trillion words.
Nuck Chorris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Nuck Chorris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence,
Nuck Chorris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego
Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except Nuck Chorris
Nuck Chorris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws
Nuck Chorris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage
It takes Nuck Chorris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes
Nuck Chorris ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills and blinked once. Once.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Nuck Chorris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off
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