GET BENT WEEKLY LOOPHOLES

Another Commandment loophole provided by John Wozniak :

THOU SHALL NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE (which, by the way, should be “THY NEIGHBORS’ WIVES” [as I imagine God is referring to ALL of our neighbors])

LOOPHOLE: Luckily I have been blessed with ugly neighbors!!  It looks like I won’t be going down for that sin.  What if you have a married co-worker that tickles your fancy?  According to the phraseology of said commandment, one can bang a married co-worker in 17 different positions and still be cool in the eyes of their Christian Maker!!  Of course I am not recommending this activity because it is wrong on other levels, and can result in punishments up to and including termination of employment, and YOUR LIFE!!

 (but if you do get killed for it, that does not necessarily preclude you from gaining entrance into  Heaven)    

Another Commandment loophole provided by John Wozniak :

THOU SHALL NOT TAKE THE LORD’S NAME (Jesus or God?) IN VAIN

LOOPHOLE: Let’s start by defining IN VAIN: to use in an irreverent or disrespectful manner.  So if you were to say Jesus/God Damn that chick is hot!!  You are fine.  Calling a woman hot is a sign of utmost respect, so have at it.  SECONDLY:  “God” isn’t even His name.  It’s a job title!  So ANY use of that should be fine by Him. (as long as you are not waging a holy war in his name?)  I should inform you Yaweh is “God’s” Sir Name so please do not swear with that one. 

*Fuck, Shit, Ass, Tits… etc. are NOT EVEN CLOSE to the Lord’s name- so have fun swearing, Shitheads!!

(Simon is a loophole douchebag) 02/11/2010 provided by John Wozniak (AGAIN):

SPEED LIMIT 55

LOOPHOLE: 55 what?  55 miles per second- I think I can obey that rule!  Since speed limit signs just have a number and no specifically noted measurement, it doesn’t even necessarily have to pertain to rate of travel- it could mean that you may not possess more than 55 [units] of speed on that particular stretch of highway.  I say go with grams.  If you are travelling with 54 grams or less of speed in a 55 zone you are obeying the limit

FYI  If you go with kilos your gonna get nailed for trafficking.

02/04/2010 the following weekly loophole is provided by John Wozniak:

Restrooms are for “PAYING CUSTOMERS” only!!

LOOPHOLE: People with these restroom signs can fuck right off- or Get Bent if you will.  So listen; according to the rules of the English language, by not letting you use their restroom they are calling you a thief!!  That is beyond rude.  You don’t have to make a purchase at their store to be considered a “paying customer.”  When you go to any regular store, are you a paying customer?  Or I should ask: have you paid for at least ONE thing in your life?  If so, you may consider yourself a “paying customer.” ENJOY…

 01/28/2010 the following weekly loophole is provided by John Wozniak

NOT FOR INDIVIDUAL SALE!!! 

Loophole:   Sell the shit in PAIRS!!  (cologne samples, shower gels, laundry detergent samples, ketchup packets, etc.)   Go out and make some money!!!!!!

 01/21/2010 the 4th loophole is provided by John Wozniak:

The first Commandment of the Christian religion is: I am the Lord Thy God.  Thou shall not worship any other gods before me

4th Loophole:   How about worshipping other gods  after Him, Her or It? Grammatically it does allow for the worship of unlimited gods as long as you remember who  comes first.  (yes I went there…9 more to go)

01/14/2010 the 3rd loophole is provided by Simon Juarez:

Not too many things require you to be younger than a certain age to do them, but sometimes you’ll see a restaurant with a kid’s menu that may have a slight degree of age discrimination within the text.  That’s where we come in:  Every menu is worded differently, but you’ll usually be able to apply this rarely needed gem of a loophole.  Leap year babies- This Bud’s for you…  

 

3rd Loophole:   The web definition of birthday is “an anniversary of the day on which a person was born” if that day was February 29th then their “age” could only be defined by the number of February 29ths that they have existed for- making them a quarter of the age of their peers.  (funny that they use “anniversary” and “was.”  I guess that means that the actual day that a person is born would not be considered a birthday [eventhough it is THE birthday] )   Enjoy, all of you leap year babies…

(sometimes amusement parks will have an age and height limit.  If you are a midget born on February 29th you may be set for life)

 01/07/2010 the 2nd loophole is provided by John Wozniak:

 This week’s loophole also has to do with driving.  Plus, it can be used in conjunction with last week’s loophole.  This one’s going to revolutionize how we run errands.  Ready?  Okay, NO PARKING ZONES?!  (pause for your reaction).   NPZ’s are the forbidden fruit of the entities we know as parking lots, shopping centers, streets and alleys.  Why are the sweetest spots on Earth always tagged with a friggin’ NO PARKING SIGN?  And how can we navigate around these obstacles? 

 2nd Loophole:  put that baby in neutral and technically you’re not “parked.” Bon Apetit’ or something.

Hey Einstein- one more thing: make sure that you’re on a flat surface first!!  

12/31/2009 this loophole is provided by John Wozniak: 

ON JANUARY 1, 2010 (tomorrow) IT WILL BE ILLEGAL (in Illinois)  TO: 

* Send or read a text message while your car is in traffic, unless fully stopped due to a blocked roadway (such as a train crossing).  A stop sign or stop light does NOT waive this restriction.  You must place the car in park or neutral gear, or pull over to the side of the road and stop. 

* Use a cell phone in a SCHOOL or CONSTRUCTION zone without the use of a hands-free device. 

People suck enough at driving without texting to other douchebags, so I won’t supply the loophole for that ruling. HOWEVER, no cell phones in construction zones or school zones unless your device is hands free>!?   What if you gotta let someone know you’re running late?  And you don’t have Bluetooth??  Whatever shall we do!?!?

 1st loophole:  my cell phone doesn’t have hands growing out of it.   Wouldn’t that make it a “hands free” device?    ENJOY… 

*these probably won’t hold up in court

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